…and what can you do instead?
Like a magnetic force field pulling you in, or the mosquito drawn to the soft light attached to an electrical coil where it meets its quick demise…you find you’ve developed an attraction for someone who is the ‘opposite’ of what you say you want. You’ve heard the cliché’ “opposites attract,” yet have you really thought about why, or how you can enjoy the benefit versus experience the detriment?
“Human Magnets” of Codependency & Narcissism
Despite the rather hokey name, Ross Rosenberg has a best-selling book “The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Trap,” exploring stereotypical patterns between people who “match up” but in very unhealthy ways, namely “The Codependent” and “The Narcissist”. (Note: while I usually avoid labels of “personality” due to the lack of nuance in real life and it often reduces someone to one or two dimensions, I do find the overall process identified in his book enlightening and supported by sound research on addictive and transactional processes). He offers a “Relationship Compatibility Continuum” as a means of understanding these interactions, where the stated continuum is “other v. self orientation.”
Codependency & Narcissism can be broadly summarized as:
Codependency:
- selfless prioritization of others’ needs and desires over one’s own, to the detriment of oneself, and
- a belief that one is responsible for the feelings of others and can not survive nor be content without fixing, being needed by or being dependent on another person.
Narcissism:
- being self-consumed, demanding, entitled, and controlling
- rarely or selectively reciprocating generosity or free-hearted giving
- demonstrating empathy or sensitivity with the intention of receiving a tangible reward or if such action makes them feel valued, important, and appreciated.
Patterns IRL
Clearly a person on the Codependent end of the continuum prioritizes ‘other-orientation’ while someone on the Narcissistic end of the continuum prioritizes ‘self-orientation.’ You can see how these persons could “match” into a type of complementary, albeit unhealthy, relationship.
Typically, we actually assign culturally positive traits to ‘codependency,’ such as very giving, kind, helpful, service-oriented, someone who ‘always thinks of how to help others feel good,’ or ‘always has your back’ – even self-sacrificing. Unfortunately, we glorify these patterns to a detrimental degree.
Narcissists are also asigned culturally positive traits which is why it can be so confusing if you’re in the cross-hairs. Narcissists can be viewed as demonstrating high levels of self-confidence, charm, persuasion, and as if they are in charge, etc. They are often the center of attention, initiating plans or directing activities that are ultimately self-serving.
The irony of ‘the match’
On the surface, codependents appear very kind-hearted, and narcissists appear very sure of themselves. The reality, though, is that both are erroneous conclusions. In truth, both types of people suffer from the same type of core wound: a rupture in the core experiencing of themselves as children and consistently emotionally invalidating environments. They simply manifest this pain, and seek to resolve it, in opposing ways.
Because the root cause is the core wounds from our younger, developmental years, the resolution is obtained through inner child healing.
Healing Inner-Child Wounds
Our “inner-child” is that part of us that houses all our unresolved emotions, pains, fears and hurts. This part of our psyche often operates from unconscious beliefs and deep emotional responses. Because the codependent and narcissistic wounds occurred when we had reduced ability to name the pain, describe or express ourselves (even middle-school & high-school-aged children struggle with this), the experience of it was suppressed and stored in the body.
Inner-child concepts can be found in evidence-based modalities such as Transactional Analysis’s (TA) Parent, Child, and Adult ego states, developed by Eric Berne in the 1950s.
Another modality that supports a “parts” concept is Internal Family Systems (IFS) developed by Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. IFS endorses the concept of ‘many inner children’ IFS is held as both a psychotherapy modality and a mental paradigm.
Both categories of people, ‘codependents’ and ‘narcissists,’ hold deep wounds of invalidation (not being authentically seen and heard). Each seeks to soothe these wounds from childhood that left them routinely trading their desires, self-expression, and wants in exchange for attachment with caregivers (of course unknowingly). As children, it doesn’t occur to us that our parents could be wrong. Because children wholly rely upon caregivers for all needs, attachment will override authenticity any day. This long-term pattern results in a desperate want for validation and connection later in life, and as adults, seeking attachment to be seen and heard, will find it anywhere they can.
Is There An Upside of Opposite Attraction?
So far, it sounds fairly dismal, doesn’t it?
But hold tight, because the good news is that inner-child healing is infinitely more “healable” than any experience, circumstance, or person outside of us. None of us can go back in time, make a person behave differently, or help us more effectively – so external means will fail.
However, developing wholeness through nurturing the younger self internally, “back-filling” the kindness, support, and connection we desired then – is absolutely possible!
I call it ‘whole-self acceptance,’ or the process of ‘healing into wholeness.’
When we embark on this process, we have a greater likelihood of matching up with other “mostly” whole individuals who, although they might have opposing character traits, don’t manifest them in a fruitless effort of external validation. These mostly whole individuals are usually more capable of connecting and relating in a genuine manner.
3 Processes to Whole-Self Acceptance:
In the work I do with clients, and through my own experience with healing and recovery, here are the three phases of healing those internal ruptures:
- Reclaim Purpose by developing awareness of our younger selves and negative core beliefs, and completing a Self-Care Assessment to backfill our basic needs, wants & security. This empowers the self-trust pathways.
- Rediscover self-connection by building a toolbox of skills to slay self-doubt and build self trust: somatic skills, self-compassion, mindfulness, emotional processing skills, healthy limits/boundaries, and rational thinking skills.
- Rebuild Relationships & Community with others who are capable of extending belonging versus fitting in. This promotes whole-self acceptance and authentic relating.
Wholeness is the key, so we relate from a place of wholehearted being and acceptance, rather than trying to fill the empty holes of past wounds. When we are working on this kind of acceptance, we can also allow others to do the same. In this way, wholeness allows us to balance togetherness and separateness factors more effectively.
Wholeness also allows us to consider the relationship itself as a third entity, formed by two whole beings. The relationship itself then becomes deserving of nurturing focus, time, and attention as it grows and deepens. In this way, having opposite traits isn’t detrimental because one person doesn’t get subsumed by another.
Conclusion
‘Codependency’ and narcissism are opposing ends of the same core childhood wound: being chronically invalidated and unseen. In their own way, both patterns in adults seek to fill the void and pain of unhealed wounds. Healing these wounds occurs in three ways: reclaiming, rediscovering, and rebuilding and is founded in inner child healing. This leads to whole-self acceptance and relationships where opposites aren’t toxic for each other.
Work with Me
If you would like to incorporate healing habits into your life and develop whole-self acceptance, connect with me about my coaching services via LinkedIn, Instagram, or Facebook where I have a private group Women Healing into Wholeness.
