Introduction
We’ve all heard it at some point: “If you love me, you’ll accept me as I am.” It’s a phrase that, on the surface, sounds perfectly reasonable, right? After all, love should be accepting, shouldn’t it? But the problem is it’s also followed up with demands to accept toxic or harmful behaviors. But let’s dig a little deeper because let’s be honest, while ‘love’ can be accepting, not all behaviors are acceptable. 🚫
And that’s the big misconception. Love can be BIG, whole, accepting, etc. and the reality of healthy relationships is they involve limits.
Love and Acceptance 👩❤️👨
Making a commitment to another person, raising a child, or having healthy social relationships all actually involve limits around things that are NOT acceptable.
Loving someone doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to behaviors that are harmful or toxic. Healthy love for others does involve accepting what I call ‘minor flaws’ because, hey, every human has them.
So along with that, it’s important to understand where are your personal “lines of engagement?” What falls in the ‘minor’ category and can be accepted, and what falls outside of that into the area where the challenging work of corrective healing is warranted? Saying “accept me as I am” runs the risk of becoming a shield to avoid the necessary, albeit difficult, work of self-healing, genuine improvement and emotional growth.
Emotional Intelligence and Accountability 🫶
Developing emotional intelligence and taking responsibility for our actions is a crucial part of any healthy relationship. It means being aware of how our behavior impacts others, despite our best intentions, and are willing to make changes to prevent harm. When someone refuses to develop emotional intelligence, refuses to resolve and heal their traumas, or avoids taking accountability for their actions, it creates an unhealthy impact for those around them.
This is where impact is prioritized over intentions.
Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them a pass on accountability. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It means holding space for them to be self-accountable in a compassionate way, encouraging them to grow and become aware of their whole-self in such a way that the “messy” parts aren’t harm inducing. It’s about understanding each person has a journey of self-discovery and healing, not enabling destructive behaviors.
It’s also about knowing each individual has choices they get to make surrounding those limits of engagement.
The Importance of Self-Acceptance 🥰
If you truly “love yourself,” or accept your whole-self, you’ll prioritize your emotional health and strive to heal your own wounds. This self-aceptance is crucial because it forms the foundation of how you interact with others and breaking generational cycles. When you neglect your own growth, or avoid self-awareness, you not only hurt yourself but also those who care about you.
As we heal, we realize that we want a relationship with someone who is having a parallel process in their healing work, so both partners are working towards emotional maturity and accountability.
When you refuse to do the work, you create a difficult position for those who love and care about you, where they may choose to distance themselves to protect their own mental well-being.
Walking Away for Well-being 🚶
Loving someone sometimes means making tough decisions. If someone refuses to change harmful behaviors and consistently impacts your mental health negatively, it may be necessary to walk away. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them; it means you prioritize your well-being by setting behavioral limits. In the 12-step paradigm we say, “Detach with Love.”
Walking away can be a powerful experience albeit painful step, and sometimes it’s the only way to ensure that both parties can eventually find the peace and happiness that is in their best interest.
Conclusion
Accepting and belonging inside a loving relationship is about mutual respect, growth, and accountability. It’s about accepting each other’s minor flaws while holding space for each other to heal the big wounds. It’s about understanding impact v. intentions. So, next time someone tells you, “If you love me, you’ll accept me as I am,” remember to explore with curiosity if this is a statement that bypasses accountability & growth, or reflects the acceptance of minor difficulties.
Keep an eye out for my next blog, exploring the ‘no-contact’ decision that many generational cycle breakers are experiencing.
In Health & Wholeness ❤️
Shannan
