Introduction
Validation is a fundamental concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), an approach developed by Marsha M. Linehan. I find a lot of misconceptions occur when learning validation – particularly when we are communicating with partners or our children. To set the stage, validation does not imply agreement or endorsement. Instead, it is a powerful tool for fostering understanding and connection.
In this blog, we’re going to debunk five prevalent myths surrounding validation and shed light on the real facts.
Myths v. Facts
Myth 1: Validation means I agree, endorse, or support someone.
Fact: Validation means I can understand how someone arrived at their position or situation.
Validation is not a declaration of allegiance; it’s simply an acknowledgment of another person’s perspective. By recognizing the rationale behind someone’s thoughts or actions, you foster understanding without necessarily embracing their viewpoint. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re right,” you can validate with, “I understand how you could feel the way you do.”
Myth 2: Validation makes someone weak; they shouldn’t rely on external validation.
Fact: Validation recognizes how it feels to the other person, fostering self-trust.
External validation is not a crutch; it’s a building block for self-trust. Understanding child development can help a lot with this point – our children learn to internalize trust based on our reflection of it to them. Validating someone’s emotions and experiences does not weaken them; it strengthens the person’s sense of being heard and understood. By acknowledging their feelings, you actually empower them to effectively navigate their emotions with authenticity and confidence on their own (eventually).
Myth 3: Validation will make ‘whatever it is’ get worse or bigger.
Fact: Validation statements have been shown to reduce distress and improve problem-solving skills.
Contrary to the fear that validation exacerbates issues, DBT researchers have lots of studies that indicate the opposite. Validation statements alleviate distress, fears, and inner conflicts. They provide a foundation for effective problem-solving by creating an atmosphere of open communication and connection.
Myth 4: Validation makes my position weak.
Fact: Validation is not about your position; it’s about acknowledging someone else’s perspective.
Validating someone does not diminish your stance, your logic, nor does it compromise your beliefs. It’s about demonstrating empathy and creating connection. Your position remains strong, grounded in your own logic and you can communicate that even as you acknowledge and validate the thoughts and feelings of others.
Myth 5: Validation means I agree with everything about the situation.
Fact: You can validate the valid and also learn to not validate the invalid.
Validating emotions is different from endorsing problematic behavior. Emotions are always valid, but actions may not be. For example, you can say, “I can see that you’re very angry, and hitting others is not an acceptable way to express it.”
Another example can be seen in a personal example with my high school senior. He was very anxious facing truancy threats from the school and the possibility he might not have enough attendance days to graduate. I said, “It makes sense to me that given the situation you’re in, that you’d have a lot of concern about this.” Notice in this example, I actually didn’t address the part about his behavior, the excessive absences? I wasn’t going to validate the problem behavior, yet I could absolutely validate his fears and concerns. This nuanced approach allows validation without condoning harmful behavior and provides more support in problem solving.
Examples of Invalidation and Validation
Here are some additional examples of both invalidating and validating statements:
Invalidation: “Don’t feel bad.”
Validation: “I can tell you feel very upset by this.”
Invalidation: “It’s not that big of a deal. It’ll get better.”
Validation: “I can see how awful you feel about this and what a big deal this is for you.”
Invalidation: “Just let it go – don’t let this get to you.”
Validation: “It really makes sense to me how this would be so bothersome to you.”
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding and debunking these myths surrounding validation is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and effective communication. Validation is a powerful tool that, when used appropriately, enhances connection, reduces distress, and promotes personal growth.
Work with Me
If you could use support in this area of your life, both in validating others AND self-valiation, I can help. I have openings for my 1:1 Coaching or Therapy services. You can email me at shannan@sbmftservices.com and also follow me on IG/TT/FB @shannanblummft.
