Photo credit to my adult daughter who loves her Winnie the Pooh and Madeline inner child prompts!
Introduction
Hey, look, I understand the pull for self-reflection at the end of a year. I mean, we self-reflect at the beginning of a new week, new month, around birthdays, etc. so why wouldn’t we at the end of a new year? The issue isn’t the self-reflective process, the issue is we go too big, too broad and it can be overwhelmingly discouraging so it loses it’s helpfulness.
So, instead of setting New Year’s Resolutions why not set a reasonable intention for addressing your inner child healing journey this year? What could be more impactful, or more important? And the best part is, you absolutely don’t have to do this in isolation!
Inner Child Defined
If you’re confused by what “inner child healing,” means, you’re not alone.
The inner child concept has been around for decades. I first remember hearing about it from John Bradshaw’s 1990 book, “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child,” when I was in grad school. Another profound book on reparenting is from Alice Miller, “The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self”
Essentially, the “inner child” is a concept that a younger version of ourselves holds all our childhood’s unmet needs, emotional wounds, and unconscious/core beliefs AND that this part of us still remains active and impacts our adult functioning. It’s an incredibly validating, although also painful, part of healing.
Inner child healing is essentially the process of “growing up” emotionally; it’s the act of reparenting ourselves by nurturing, soothing and supporting ourselves in ways we needed as a child but didn’t receive.
Because these ruptures occurred when we were young and our brains and bodies were still developing, we can have difficulty describing the experience, or labeling the emotions.
What is also sometimes confusing, is that our inner child doesn’t only hold our ruptures, but our joy, playfulness, silliness and inherent creativity.
Signs of Inner Child Response
You might be wondering, “how do I know when I’m having ‘an inner child’ response versus having a wise-woman response?” GREAT question! Basically, in these scenarios below, your younger you is assigning the same meaning to the situation that you did in childhood and reacting accordingly, which is why we call it an ‘inner child response.’
Here are 6 signals you’re likely responding from your inner child:
- BIG feelings to SMALL things – when reactions seem ‘over the top’ or ‘out of proportion’ to a trivial action. For instance, if you feel intensely angry when a partner is distracted on their phone while you’re talking to them, this could “activate” a sense of not being seen or heard as a kid.
- Chronically Difficult Family Relationships – This could include family of origin tensions, feeling like an outcast or scapegoat in the family, feeling highly judged or criticized, or even emotional dependency between you and a parent. These might be point to childhood issues and unmet needs which need attention. Because our most personal relationships will also be the most triggering ones, pay special attention if you have “a familiar feeling” to when you were a child – this is usually your younger self trying to get your attention on this matter.
- Self-sabotaging behaviors – while the wise-woman part of you is ready for a challenge, a new opportunity, or a calculated gamble, your younger self remains deeply scared and anxious and actively avoids perceived dangers. While the dangers or experiences were real once, they aren’t real now. This can look like procrastination, perfectionism, forgetfulness, difficulty following through, even lying and ‘making excuses’ for not engaging in behavior your adult self desires.
- Unhealthy Coping Skills – we are always coping, either consciously or unconsciously to manage the pain, discomfort, difficulty, or just the change of situations. Unhealthy coping skills are those that offer short-term relief without long-term solution, such as substance use, overworking or excessive ‘busy-ness’, oversleeping or overeating, or dissociation through distractions like social media, gaming, or excessive exercise. Alice Miller helps explain why this happens and might be a sign of an inner child response, “not even one moment of quiet can be permitted during which the burning loneliness of (the) childhood experience can be felt…’
- Relationship Issues – high conflict relationships (both stable and unstable) are also signal of potential inner child responsiveness. If you find that you are in dysfunctional pattern of unhealthy or abusive relationships, or are frequently “chasing unavailable people,” this could be a sign that your psyche is responding to childhood needs of deep and authentic connection and feels hurt when it doesn’t happen.
- Inner-critic/Poor Self-worth – if you feel at fault, wrong, or notice your internal talk is excessively harsh or critical, this could stem from inner child experiences where adults were consistently finding fault with you as a kid, invalidating your emotions, or were overly critical or demanding. I joke, “I don’t have an inner critic, I have a full committee around the table and when they’re in session – it’s rough!”
The Way “Back to Your Whole Self” – 4 Pillars of Inner Child Healing
Because the inner child represents our younger self, both the joys and the pains, the work of “healing the inner child” is varied and holistic. The skills span a broad variety of areas in our life but generally fall into four areas, or Pillars of Inner Child Healing.
Pillar 1 – Self-Care
- Self-care is the act of maintaining, caring for, and attending to matters of our emotional, physical, environmental and or financial life – to name a few. It’s how we truly look after ourselves as we go about life. This is not a rigid practice, but is flexible and adapts as our needs change. Self-care behaviors are taught. One major deficit in dysfunctional family living can be the lack of explicit ‘teaching’ of self-care skills because our caregivers were likely reactive to their own unresolved traumas and didn’t have the bandwidth to provide this instruction. Sidenote: some caregivers were rigid in their demands and rules around chores, jobs, the structure of their lives, etc. This can also be seen be a reactive controlling response rather than the adaptive and flexible nature of true self-care.
Pillar 2 – Discipline
- Discipline is one of the least understood aspects of inner child work because it was often misapplied in our childhood and our inner child may wholly rebel against this. In this context, discipline is the act of consistently integrating simple but meaningful healthy habits and rituals to positively impact our lives. Because this area of inner child healing can be so important and triggering, it’s vital to go slow and create very small, sustainable changes so as to provide self-compassion and support when negative feelings arise.
Pillar 3 – Joy
- Joy is the element of creativity, silliness, playfulness and curiosity that is inherent in all children and is also typically snuffed out of us by humiliation, shame, or guilt-inducing treatment from caregivers or even society. This pillar of inner child healing teaches us to rediscover and reconnect to those areas of our youth that were playful and creative: games, stories, art/drawing/coloring, jokes, dance, singing, etc. are all examples healing the inner child through joy
Pillar 4 – Emotional Regulation
- This aspect of inner child healing requires a good amount of self-awareness as to when we are experiencing an inner child trigger. If an emotional response is heightened, skills of validation with grounding practices will help “ride the wave” and return us to baseline.
Activities for Inner Child Healing
- Writing “Unsendable” Letters/Journaling– letters to our younger self or to caregivers helps express feelings, validate, challenge the “seen not heard” culture, encourages standing in our own voice re: feelings, wants, desires.
- Creating Dialogue – learn loving and affirmative language, nurture & support with self-compassion, create validating statements
- Art/Creativity – drawing, coloring, singing, sculpting, dancing, painting, etc. are all ways to express the creativity that was once a natural part of us
- Playful activities – board games, active games like hopscotch, jacks, card games, playing tag or capture the flag, etc.
- Somatic Exercises – deep breathing, self-holds/massage, humming, yoga, walking, etc can all help activate our internal sense of safety.
- Visualizations and Guided Imageries – visiting the younger self, imagining an interaction or expression of comfort, having a dialogue with the younger self, all help the inner child feel seen, heard, and comforted in necessary ways.
If you want some resources for inner child healing – I have several resources as part of my coaching memberships (for as little as $10/month!), but you can download this one for free: Kairos Inner Child Training.pdf
Conclusion
Inner child work allows us to revisit and heal the wounds of our past. By acknowledging and addressing the unmet needs and emotional wounds, we remind ourselves we aren’t wrong or bad for having big feelings. We can heal the shame that was given to us for ‘being human,’ and release emotional burdens, foster self-compassion, and promote healing and growth.
Contact Me
If you’re interested in receiving support along this inner child healing path, please don’t hesitate to contact me, it’d be my honor to assist you with my coaching services.
Of course, you can always follow me on IG/TT/FB @shannanblummft for supportive mental health content.
