Introduction
Shame and guilt can be a real puzzler, even for therapists who you imagine have it all figured out. The thing is, shame and guilt have a lot in common, but they also have their own unique quirks that mess with our heads. And if we want to maintain good mental health and develop killer coping skills, it’s crucial to understand these differences. So, if you’re ready to take a stroll into the “fascinating world” of shame and guilt, keep reading!
Definitions
Now, the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) is like a treasure trove of knowledge. They’ve got all the goods on shame and guilt, and their IG account is a gold mine of info. Check out their infographic at www.instagram.com/p/CeY9WDmu928/ and see for yourself!
Let’s start with guilt. It’s all about behavior. When you feel guilty, it’s like your conscience saying, “Hey, seestah, you did something that goes against your values or moral code, and you need to own up to it.” Guilt can be either on point or way off-base which can sometimes be the hard part. When it’s on point, it’s a super helpful emotion because it tells you which values you’ve violated. You can then address the behavior, or value, and make changes. When guilt is “off-base” it’s due to inappropriate guilt. That’s where you’re blaming yourself for things you didn’t do or for events that have nothing to do with you. It’s like feeling responsible for causing the car accident your friend had because you both argued earlier in the day. Totally unrelated, right?
Now, let’s meet shame. It’s all about identity. When shame kicks in, it’s like a voice in your head saying, “Hey, you suck! You’re flawed, defective, or just plain ‘broken.’ You’re unworthy of love, connection, and belonging.” Shame is a sneaky little devil because it makes you believe that you’re permanently messed up. It convinces you that you’re not fit to be around others, so you isolate yourself or push people away. It’s like hiding your ‘badness’ because you think it will hurt others.
How Shame Messes with Us
When we’re little munchkins, we rely on our parents for everything. So, to stay in their good graces, we quickly learn which parts of ourselves are unacceptable. We start suppressing and abandoning those parts to keep their approval and connection because we need it to survive. This self-abandonment leads to depression and anxiety, and it’s a real bummer, because our young brains think it how we can solve a problem or feel some level of protection. But fear not, reconnecting with ourselves is possible, even if it’s a long and winding road.
Let’s Ditch the Notion of “Healthy Shame,” Shall We?
Some folks talk about “healthy shame,” but I’m callin’ BS on that one. If we’re honest and talking about “healthy shame,” that’s really more like appropriate guilt or just high embarrassment when we get caught with our pants down in a private moment. Shame’s just pretty toxic, but If there’s any benefit to it, it’s in challenging it, exploring the underlying emotions, and developing coping skills that kick shame to the curb and can help us heal.
Tools to the Rescue: Semantic Method & Socratic Questions
Curiosity is one of your secret weapons in challenging shame-based thoughts. So instead of beating yourself up with statements like, “I’m such a failure!” try expanding and exploring. Ask yourself, “What does failure even mean to me? Aren’t we all struggling with different goals? How would I define success?” Shame requires secrecy and silence to thrive, to have some curiosity and expose it for the little liar it is!
Another secret weapon is self-compassion. If you haven’t heard of self-compassion yet, you can visit Kristen Neff’s website to learn more. You can also read my blog on the power of self-compassion and how it outshines self-esteem any day. The thing about self-compassion that kicks shame in the butt is it’s three-pronged parts: self-kindness (or Double Standard) element, mindfulness (self-awareness), and common humanity (knowing that all of us struggle).
And let’s just go for a hat-trick when defeating shame –Â Socratic Questions! These little gems help you see things from different angles. Consider questions like:
- Would someone else have a different viewpoint? What might it be?
- What’s the evidence for this thought? Against it?
- Am I relying on facts or just my feelings?
- Am I stuck in black-and-white thinking when reality is more nuanced?
- Can I recall any instances when this thought hasn’t been true?
- Is this thought helping or hurting me?
Conclusion
Understanding the fine line between shame and guilt is the key to identifying and challenging shame effectively. By giving guilt its rightful place and letting it guide us in reconciling behaviors and values, we’re on the path to recovery.
If you’re eager to work with me as an integrative & holistic coach, ready to kick shame to the curb and find healing, harmony, and balance, check out my Kairos Coaching services here or visit my website at sbmftservices.com. Together, we’ll make shame a thing of your past!
In Health & Wholeness,
Shannan
