Introduction
So, as a therapist I follow a lot of other therapy-minded accounts and begin noticing patterns over time. I’ve seen waves and phases of posts about “grounding skills,” “boundaries,” “gaslighting,” and “trauma responses” and currently, “everyone’s a narcissist” – along with the push-back that comes.
One other phase I’ve seen is the focus on “cutting off” parents or “no contact” experiences. I’ve seen posts from those who have a history of being harmed and are setting these limits, and those who are befuddled by the detachment. As is typical in social media, polarizing views are more easily presented.
Value in Both Sides
But to be fair, there are always two sides to every story.🔀 Social Media doesn’t provide the backstory or history of the decisions being made and I’m not taking a polarized position that one side or the other is always right.
There are instances where ‘no contact’ is the healthiest move for one party. There are times when limited contact would be healthier than ‘no contact,’ and there are instances where it might not be feasible or reasonable to cut off contact.
4 Categories That Might Warrant No-Contact
In an effort to provide clarity, here are what I believe are 4 categories where reducing or even cutting off contact with individuals in your life might be warranted. Keep in mind, this is not an exhaustive list and even if these criteria are present, it doesn’t automatically mean cut off is the choice for you.
1️⃣ Emotional manipulation & Guilt mechanisms to control behavior
- “If you really loved me, you’d come visit me or help me more”
- “If you were a good daughter, you’d do what I want”
- “After everything we’ve done for you, you should be grateful and do what we want.”
2️⃣ Excessive Name-calling, Domination, or Intimidation
- “Don’t be such a baby, just deal with it.”
- “Don’t be so selfish, stop thinking only of yourself.”
- “If you don’t do (xyz) then we’re done.”
- “You’re such a drama queen, just get over it already”
3️⃣ Physical Harm/Threats of Harm
- slamming, throwing, breaking other items, walls, furniture, etc.
- Approaching with a provoking or attacking posture (hand raised or poised to strike, etc.)
4️⃣Violent and Aggressive Behaviors (verbal and physical)
- Physically slapping, hitting, pushing, shoving
- Pullin g of hair
- Sexually abusive behaviors
Boundaries as Self-Respecting Limits
💫 Self-respecting limits – or boundaries – are your emotional and spiritual right to establish. Considering how the above might be affecting you can help you assess your actions. Remember, though, you don’t owe anyone anything. You are allowed to change your mind and set new limits or make new agreements as an adult.
You can grab my Free Guide to Strengthening Boundaries or you can sign up for my Boundaries Like a Boss 101 4-week digital course for only $37.
Conclusion
✴️ You can negotiate your own terms of contact, or you can determine if no-contact is in your best interest emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
If you struggle with boundary setting like this, I can help and I’m taking new clients, email me at shannan@sbmftservices.com if you’re interested.
In Health & Wholeness,
Shannan
